Twisted Family
by ShadowdLynx
Summary: The FF gang get thrown into our universe and have the joy of being in the custody of a psychotic group of girls. Process of serious editing. Read at your own risk.
1. Strange Welcomes

"Taste the freaking rainbow!" Lynx yelled, throwing skittles at Insanity-chan. "Fear my mighty mightiness! Go, flying potato!" Insanity-chan yelled back. Yep, just a normal sugar-high day.

"Shut the hell up and help me with this game!" Ari stood in the doorway, gripping her Doomifull Hammer menacingly.

"Forward is the vague direction in which we venture!"

"Forward! Onward! That way! Yes, that way!" They stayed like that for five minutes until they forgot what they were doing, only to be reminded by Ari in a painfull way. "To the game room! Or the emergency room! Either would work well at this point!"

"Alright, so what's the problem?"

"This battle with Seymour. I always lose by his third form because of that stupid petrification!" Thunder rumbled outside the house. "Geez, sounds like it's right over the house."

Insanity-chan looked out the window. There was a perfect square over Ari's house and no one elses. The lightning was striking dangerously close to there house, making what seems next horribly cliched.

Suddenly,... why is it always suddenly? Why can't whatever it is send a postcard in advance. Saying something like 'Hi, how are you. I just wanted to let you know, I'm a sudden occurence, and I will be happening unexpectedly Saturday. So when I pop up, don't all jump in shock and fall down the stairs and lay there twitching and bleeding. So, I'll see you then.' And if Lynx is a half demon, shouldn't she, I don't know, sense it or get a bad feeling or something? Shutting up now.

... lightning struck Ari's house, hitting the game console and not damaging it, because that's usually what happens in the cliche. There was a flash of white light and when the girls regained their vision, they saw... a giant cicus bear named Fred dancing with a bowl of fruit? PAUSE!

You now see a bruenette hunched over her keyboard. Insanity-chan, Rikku, and her muse Cat are looking over her shoulder. The brunette, also known as the authoress of this fic, stares at Rikku. "Rikku, what have I said about giving me ideas. This will make no sense what-so-ever to the readers."

"But don't you see? This goes perfectly with the marshmallow's plot, and that will help the reader understand. Then I gallantly swoop in and take care of them for you, and you are eternally my slaves!"

"As the authoresses official muse, aka a figment of her imagination, I can't agree with this." Cat said.

Insanity-chan agreed. "And as her unofficial muse who gives her bad ideas in school, I am going to kick your butt! Fix it, ShadowdLynx! Now!" UNPAUSE!

When the girls regained their vision they saw the characters from the second to last battle with Seymour: Lulu, Auron, Yuna, Seymour, Wakka, Tidus, Kimahri, and Rikku.

The three girls stood there staring, while the fighters stared back at them. Lynx was slowly eating skittles. "Can I scream?" Insanity-chan asked slowly. Lynx nodded slowly. "WHAT the BLOODY HELL is going ON!" Time sped up with her outburst. Lynx started choking on her skittles, and stood there pounding on her chest while everyone stared because they were either too stupid to care, or they didn't just didn't care.

"I was choking! You didn't care!" Lynx whined, not like she really cared. It wasn't important, because as a half-demon she wouldn't be able to die from choking. Cats have excellent hacking abilities, and she would of spit it right up. Not like everyone else needed to know that yet.

"We know you couldn't of possibly died doing something so stupid. The smart people always die the most idiotic deaths." Ari explained, hoping to stop Lynx from ripping their hearts out with a rusty kitchen utensil.

"Isn't figuring out what happened more important, girl?" Seymour asked, irritaited. He was going to kill that blonde blitzer and have Yuna for himself. But whoopie, luckie him! He got transported here with his enemies and those strange girls! Even luckier for him, the voices in his head came, too.

"Shut up you hot, tattoed, blue-haired, crazy, sadistic freak! (The last three describe Lynx and her friends. He can be in there little group!) I was choking! In fact, I'm dead! I'm a freaking dead person! How does that make you feel!" She was answered with muttered "No, we really don't care that much..."

"How are you standing there?" Tidus asked in awe. He never met a dead person before. (This was before he found out about Maester Mika and Auron, remember?) "You can talk, too!"

Auron rolled his eyes. Tidus was like a son to him but come on. Jecht was not this stupid, even when drunk. Tidus' mother wasn't dumb either. He seriously respected the woman for putting up with him all these years. Even if Tidus didn't really resemble either of his parents. He looked more like Dirk Kriegs, Tidus' neighbor. The Kriegs son looked more like Jecht and Lydia.(dumb name for his mom, so what)

But they still should of watched Tidus when he was younger more carefully. He remembered watching Tidus run into walls... then back up again and run back into the wall... over and over again... for ten years...

"I'm not!" Lynx was waving her arms histerically. "I'm dead, idiot! I'm just laying on the floor, and rigormortis is starting! Soon I'll be rotting there! You people are sadistic!"

Insanity-chan blinked. Lynx was on a sugar high. That was so wonderful. Balloons and confetti and all that. Sometimes she acted as dumb as Rikku, even when not on a sugar high. "Your sadistic, too, ya moron."

"Yeah, I know." Lynx nodded happily.

Rikku's brain was in overdrive. "If that's the insane girl lying on the floor..." she muttered, pointing to the clearly corpseless spot. "And she's also standing there, eating skittles...that means...one of them's a clone! The standing one must of killed the real one, and she's a slave to the marshmallows!"

"This reminds me so much why I hate her character. I can't believe some people portray her as smart but naive." Insanity-chan grumbled.

"What do you mean?" Yuna asked. "And what are all these pictures of us doing in your possesion? Are you some sort of mage? Or a stalker?"

Ari sighed. Explaining would take awhile. She had a feeling after it was all done with, it would somehow involve her house.

"I have a little friend, he stays with me until the end! He also helps me when I'm bored, he's my bloody little sword!" Lynx burst into a random song. "See, here he is. He's oh-so-smart, and helps with everything! And he doesn't steal my skittles."

"Is she okay?" Yuna asked. Maybe she hit her head in an accident, or got to close to Sin? Then again, maybe not. At first, she thought that's what happened with Tidus. She eventually believed him, but he was still a dumb cutie. She was willing to excuse the idiocy as part of the shock of being 1000 years into the future, or something like that. Then she talked to Auron and found out he was always like that. Now he was like the dumber younger brother she never wanted. Too bad he interrupted her wedding to Seymour. He was good-looking and smart even if he was sort of insane, and she could of gotten rid of Tidus. 'Accidently' pushing him off of Mushroom Rock Road didn't work.

"No, she has the mentality of a tellytubby on drugs. We are her keepers, and soon we will unleash her insanity on the world, and I will finally achieve world domination. Been planning it for years, actually." Ari said this so innocently even Auron and Kimahri's jaws dropped a little.

"Seriously? She's actually smart, but enjoys acting the idiot so people underestimate her. Ignore what they say, they belong in an asylum. The world would be a boring, but safer place."

"Have you ever noticed asylums are like cults? You have to be a good little monkey and take your meds or they pump you full of drugs until you obey. Not like I've ever been there. But those special jackets look warm, don't they?"

"Lynx, shut up or go away." Lynx assumed a thinking position. "Hmmm, Ms. Trepe is bossy. I think I'm gonna go raid the secret candy stash, convienently located in a Ms. Ari's closet, top shelf behind the box of shiny objects." She walked off. "I didn't think she was going to listen."

Ari stood in silence. Then realization dawned on her...then set...then dawned again! "How did she find my stash!"

AN: I apologize to all offended people. Remember, you don't have to read this. Read InsanityCreator's stories. They're better than this, I assure you. Am I just telling the nice people who might actually like this story to NOT read this story? That's it, where's my straight jacket. RR please!


	2. Intro to the Scary Ladies

No one's really complained yet, but to clear things up, Lynx is like me. Lynx is also my nickname. Lynx is the outgoing person I'm not. Insanity-chan is what I call Insanit-Creator. This takes place in an alternate universe from ours, explaining the authoress intro in the middle of chapter one. But this is more or less her. Ari is based off of the personality of one of my best friends before I moved away.Ari was her nickname and she always RP'd as a plant mage with some tree sprite/elf/whatever blood.

Disclaimer : If I owned this, I would be rich. Rich I tell you! And you know what? I will own them one day. I will own you ALL!

Big Muscled Guy : There she is!

Meep! Gotta go. But first, my thanks to the reviewers.

GemEncrustedEarth : Thanks for the sugar! I love sugar. Sugar gooooood! And the review. Reviews gooooood!

Xmaster : Headaches suck. I hope you feel better soon. Knowing my stories don't cause migraines is one of the nicest things I could know. The plot may move a little slow, but I guarentee it's there unless a penguin stole it mutters about penguin conspiracies

InsanityCreator : I didn't feel satisfied with my rough draft I wrote in class. This seems more...complete...to me. Thanks for the review.

On to the story!

"Okay, here's the thing. I am a mage, and I happen to be half-moogle. No clue what-so-ever how that happened." I-chan explained. She allowed her pom-pom to pop out. It looked exactly like a regular moogles, except it was purple. It also helped I-chan generate very powerful lightning bolts, but the FFX gang doesn't need to know that yet, do they. So let's not tell them.

"And I'm half a cute little kitty! See?" Lynx looked the same as normal, except her ears migrated to the top of her head in the form of cat ears, light brown with blue-ish silver tips. A tail switched behind her with the same coloring. Her eyes were amber with cat slits instead of their normal green-blue. She now had claws. Wonderful.

There was a squealing noise from the back of the group. 'Rikku, Yuna, or both are going to try and jump Lynx.' Ari reasoned. 'She's going to run and end up either a) up a tree, b) on the roof, or c) a twitching lump on the ground.' They were all shocked and disturbed to see it came from Tidus and Wakka. "Riight. I'm gonna go to the other side of the room and arm myself with my sword and other random pointy objects. Yeah."

"We shall forget this ever happened. Or at least until I need a reason to blackmail you." Ari said. "I am a third-rate healer, a first-rate plant mage, and have a fourth or so tree sprite in my blood. It's enough to alter my appearance." As she cast off her glamour, she now had light green skin, and dark green hair with turquoise streaks. Behind her shimmered three iridescent pairs of dragonfly wings. (Oo big words) "Currently, you are in our universe, world, or whatever you wish to call this. Here your adventures from Tidus' blitzball game before he came to Spira, to your final battle with Sin is a game called Final Fantasy X. It's part of a whole collection of Final Fantasy games by Squaresoft."

"Yeah, it's really cool. Right now I'm fighting right on top of Sin, but he always swallows me before I can beat him. I personally think the game is possesed, but Ari won't let me take it to the priest dudes for an exorcism, because I usually end up scaring the priests..."

"It just occured to me...wait. Sorry, forgot it." Rikku shrugged. "Darn."

"The thought must of got lonely. By the way, this is" a horn blared outside"but we call her Insanity-chan Trepe. When her pom-pom is showing she's Insanity. The difference is it's her more sadistic moogle half. That's" a loud rumble of thunder", but she insists she's going to change her name to Arianna Brightflame. I'm Alynxianis...um, what's my last name?"

"You don't know your own last name?" Auron asked incrediously. _'Oh man, not another Tidus!' _Again, like a son to him, but the hamster wheel's turning while the hamster died from lack of oxygen.

"I had to change it after I switched schools. Ari, a computer genius and my savior, hacked into the school system, messed with the records, and voila, I have a new identity. I sort of had to get a new name after the incident with my last school, involving the counslers office, a rubber chicken, several mechanical bits, and a bottle of vodka. How's that for expressing my feelings, evil blobby lady. Hehehe..." The FF gang really started to wonder about her sanity, but not for the last time. (I seriously wonder, too)

"It's Dridier, Lynx. Now, I suppose we should be thinking about living arrangements?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Come on. You know we can't let them wander without proper instruction. Do you realize what could happen?"

Several bloody and destuctive scenes fill Ari and Lynx's minds. "Nooo..."

"Chaos." Seymour stated. "Tidus, Wakka, and Rikku are morons; Lulu and Auron are mildly blood-thirsty and sadistic; I'm not entirely sure what to think about Yuna and Kimahri; and I've been known to talk to myself."

"So? Sounds exactly like us."

"No, Ari, we can't let that happen! The penguins would use this to their advantage!" Lynx gave the older girl the look Puss in Boots used in Shrek 2. "Can we keep them Ari? Please? They look so helpless!" Rikku was losing a staring contest to a blinking doll, Tidus was staring at a fly, Wakka looked around absently humming the Hymn of the Fayth, Auron was drinking, Lulu was lovingly petting her moogle, Yuna was staring at Seymour lustfully, Seymour was staring at Tidus with bloodlust, and Kimahri fingered his lance thoughtfully thinking who knows what.

"You're not thinking...oh no, you have got to be kidding!"

"Your parents are out of town for another week." I-chan was seriously thinking about this. She could kill all the annoying twits. No more Tidus, Yuna, Wakka, or Rikku! Yes, this would be a very good thing.

"And they really have no where else to go. Their only choices are to find a way back to Spira in the next ten minutes or so if you don't want to give them board, stay here and be taken advantage of by the penguins, or stay here and be taken advantage of by us."

"What do you mean take advantage of us?"

"Do we get any say in this?"

Ari glared, but she had to admit Auron and Lulu would jump at the chance to terrorize innocent pedestrians. "They can stay. _Only_ if they're potty-trained.


	3. Rules, Room, and Dinner

Disclaimer : The only things I own are my soul, my dragon-gerbil minions, my collection of mangas and games, and my notebook. Check the list. Do you see Final Fantasy or Tekken Fighters 4? No? Then I don't own them...yet.

Read on!

"Okay, if you're staying here, we have some rules. One, killing hours are between 11am and 5pm."

"What about indirect killing?" Seymour asked. If you're going to kill someone make it look like an accident, that was his motto.

"Hmm. Well, for now that's under the usual hours. But you may indirectly kill anytime with special permission from me, Lynx, or Insanity-chan. It may not be a good idea to ask Insanity."

"Is anyone else aware of how wrong this sounds." Rikku muttered. Everyone raised their hand. "Just checking."

"What about bringing doom to the masses in a fit of bloodlust and loathing of humanity." Lulu asked.

"Anytime. It would be nice if you brought me along, though. Sounds like fun."

I-chan glared. I think she means 'Anytime as long as you don't disturb I-chan or Insanity unless you have a wish to have your heart ripped out, fed to you through your nose, then be thrown into a river never to be found until you get caught in the motor of a passing boat and then they find a suicide note in your hollowed out chest in a waterproof container.' "

"She's not kidding." Lynx murmered, being one of countless of I-chan's and Insanity's rage victims. "But don't worry too much, we're good at sleeping through screams of extreme pain and agony. We've had lot's of practice." They stared at the cheerful girl as she munched on skittles.

"Right. Next rule: no going off of Ari's property without permission or one of us. You may get lost, or run over, or sidetracked."

"Hey!" Rikku whined, stretching out the 'e'. "We're not...ooh, a pacifier. Mine." She divebombed the poor binkie. It will never be the same again.

"My point exactly. Rule three, do **not, **I repeat with emphasis **_not_**, destroy my house. Or I will be forced to sic one of my many radio-active gerbils and have her attach to your face. If my parents come home to a destryed house, you will find my corpse on the sidewalk as an almost unrecognizable rotting lump with blood and guts leaking from my mouth and pieces of bone through my skin and my intestines ripped out. (I can't believe I wrote that)

"Aw-righty then! Part two of our insane little presentation is you must choose a room. Most of you will end up bunking so pick a room-mate who you trust not to come up with plans for your demise so they can have the room to themselves." Lynx backed up against the wall, dragging her friends with her. "Ready...set...GO AWAY!" They stood staring at her for a few seconds, then disappeared in a cloud of dust leaving the three girls and Kimahri blinking after them.

"Are you going to wait until everyone picks a room and then take whatevers left?" I-chan asked.

"Do you ever speak in complete sentences?"

"Do you speak at all?"

". . ." Kimahri stood silently, his eye almost un-noticeably twitching. Almost.

"I'll take that as an 'Only when it's important, you stupid girl. You shouldn't call people

stupid, you know. Of course, I do it anyway."

". . ." His eye was now noticably twitching.

I-chan grinned. "Am I annoying you?" He finally walked away, probably to keep his summoner from being splattered from the choose a room frenzy. "Aww, there goes my fun."

A 'thunder' was heard, then a frightenedshriek and a crash. Ari stood there, her eye twitching more than doctors would think is healthy. Well, we aren't doctors, are we. "Ari? Did you have too much coffee sometime on the impossible space of I-chan's one-sided conversation?"

"Nggh..." Ari walked into the living room and sat down, her eye still twitching. A particularly loud crash sent her into another convulsion. "Nggh..."

"Just sit there. We're going to go make dinner. Relax, don't go out and maim innocent pedestrians."

Lynx started hopping towards the kitchen. "If she can't maim anyone, how does she relax?"

"Shut up. Just...shut up. Please."

Over the next few minutes, the room assignments were solved in a painful way. Auron, Lulu, Wakka, and Rikku had migrated to the kitchen, intending to either help or be a hinderance. I-chan took one look at Rikku and Wakka before literally kicking them out. She then assigned kitchen duties, and they started preperations for their meal. It did not go well.

I-chan forgot Lynx is a horrible cook. She burnt water once or twice. There was seriously a burnt quality to it. Lulu decided using a fire spell would make everything cook faster, so she used one and walked off to talk to Auron. Now everything was a little burnt on the outside. Even what they weren't supposed to cook. Auron decided to put his own personal touch to the meal.

"Alright, dinner's ready!" Ari was now in a cheerful mood because she beat the pants off of Tidus, Wakka, and Rikku at every multi-player game she owned. Seymour and Yuna were doing questionable things in the back of the game room. They insisted they were playing cards, but Yuna's hair was messed up. I-chan glared at her throughout the whole meal thinking evil destructive thoughts. Who really knows what Kimahri was doing. He was silent the whole time.

Those who made the meal watched as every one else took there first bite and froze. Tidus stared at his plate blankly. "This tastes like what my old man used to make." He then proceeded to shovel it in the general direction of his mouth, without spilling.

Lynx tentativly tasted their creation before spitting it out. "It has alcohol in it. Are you feeling spiteful, I-chan?"

"It wasn't me." She looked at Auron's too-innocent face. Instead of ratting him out, she simply lied. "It's just your imagination. It tastes perfectly okay for the fact we made it." Everyone but Lynx knew she never tasted it. "Eat before it gets cold."  
"Fine, eat it and get drunk! I'm sure that was your intention in the first place so you could take advantage of Seymour! Get drunk, Rikku. Go on and get drunk Kimahri! You too, Lynx! No, you can't make me! Oh, you want to bet? Yeah I'd like to be-" Lynx looked up. "Hi." She said in that tone that clearly said 'Why are you staring at me you crazy stalker freaks.'

"Talking to yourself isn't healthy, ya know."

"It's only bad if you answer yourself."

"You were, Lynx. You were arguing with yourself on whether you could make yourself drunk or... are you even listening to me?"

Lynx had grown bored of this conversation and was now dancing. "When I grow up I want to dance like a gerbil. And eat the possesed birdies from badminton. And marry a cheesewheel." Wakka and Tidus had passed out from too much alcohol. Auron snorted. "Wussies."

"Blackmail!" Lulu and Ari shrieked, stumbling to their feet. Ari whipped out a camera and Lulu arranged the two in some...intimate...positions. "Black-mail! Black-mail! Black-mail!" After snapping tons of pictures, Ari put the camera in a safe place. "Destruction blood murder?" She suggested to Lulu. "Pain agony fun!" Lulu agreed.

"This is your fault." Lynx stated to Auron. She finally figured out who spiked the food. "You go with them."

"The words were hardly out of her mouth as Auron dashed after the two sadistic murderers.

"Lynx you moron! He wanted to go with them! He's going to help them! Bad, very bad!"

"Stop over-reacting. He has high alcohol tolerance, he's not drunk, and he's probably the most sane besides you, Auron, and Kimahri. Grab Rikku and let's go play Tekken Fighters 4."

And so the night passed with screams of pain, drunkness, and Tekken Fighters 4.

AN: I'm happy'cause I bought volume seven of Fruits Basket and volumes two and three of Fushigi Yugi! I love them!

I promise, the plot is coming soon. This story does have a plot, but I think I misplaced it somewhere. Oh, here it is. My dragon-gerbil minions had a litter recently, and they're teething. They're sooooo adorable. RR please.


	4. Fried Supreme Leader Birdie

You see a snail with the word 'plot' painted on its shell. A group of spectators watch as it labors to move... 1 centimeter. "Oh my Goddess, it's moving!" Confetti and balloons rain down. The authoress and her pet watch with looks of hatred and amusement, respectively.

Lynx: I will decapitate them and drink their blood.

Gil (from Dragon Knights): C'mon, you know you deserve this. Your lazy and you haven't typed anything for days.

Lynx: Shut up slave. -turns to see reader- Oh, hello. Right now I'm seeing neon green shoopufs with bat wings for ears and buggy frog eyes, so Gil will take over for me momentarily, and will later become my co-host. S'cuse me will I skin the mutated shoopufs.

Gil: -watches with sweatdrop- I can't believe she owns me.

Disclaimer : I don't own Gil or Dragon Knights(Oh, how I wish I did), or Final Fantasy and its affiliates.

And a big thanks to all of my reviewers. I didn't know I would get this many. Yes, twelve is a lot to me. I'm sad and pathetic. Please review.

On with the Randomness!

Ari POV

Lulu, Auron, and I snuck in late. Or should I say early? It's 6am. The alcohol wore off about an hour after we left, but why abandon all that fun? It was too good to resist.

We stopped short in front of my house. Wakka was sitting in the middle of the street, poking a dead bird. Didn't he pass out last night or something? "I thought I told you no going off my property without permission." He looked up at us with wide pupils and twitching eyelids. Wait, was that powder on his nose?

"The overlord bird gave me permisison, ya. He also told me he's a direct discipile of Yevons and it might be a good idea if you look for a way to send us home. He knows all, ya."

"Riiiiiiight." Judging from Auron and Lulu's looks, they've never seen Wakka acting like a retard. Either they don't have drugs on Spira, or they do and Wakka doesn't use them. But wouldn't that mean he found drugs in my house...?

"Where's everyone else?"

"Passed out in front of the game system. The bird knows all because Yevon supplies the answers."

"If he knows all, then why doesn't he know how to get us home?" Auron drawled.

I whimpered. "Wha"

"He's only human."

"Bu"

"It's a bird!" Lulu snapped. "A dead bird. A dead_ fried _bird."

"Wh"

"He seems to be uncharred."

"Fire." Lulu said monotonously.

We watched as the bird burst into flames. It was so purtyfull and cheered me up a bit...happiness gone. Now I'm stuck in a cold puddle of sadness. Oh dear, I might catch a chill.

"Wakka, you do know it's burning, right?" He stared at it for a couple of seconds before screaming.

"Oh my Yevon, he's burning, ya!"

"'Ya', he is. Delayed reaction much?"

Hey, everyone was ignoring me! "Shaddup and let me explain my feelings!" Everyone stared.

"You have feelings?"

"Do you guys really want to go home that badly?"

"...It would be best that way. We don't belong here."

"But you guys don't know what happens at the end! You can't go back!" They paused to think about that. Auron finally answered.

"We must accept it, no matter how horrible it is."

"Shove the honorific 'stick-up-my-ass' act! What if you were meant to stay here?" Lulu paused, seeming to think carefully about her answer.

"We'll think about it. Besides, it's not just our decision. Yuna's still on her pilgramage, and she might still feel she must complete it, no matter what the cost."

"Can't we just let them leave?" Auron whined. "I don't wanna be a guardian to a whiny brat."

"It all depends on fate. We should probably make sure the others aren't destroying my house. C'mon puppy." I snapped a collar and leash on Wakka and dragged him away as he continued to stare at 'the supreme leader who's will is the same as Yevon's bloodthirsty will'. Please don't ask where the leash and collar. Therapy is expensive these days, don't you think? And I am losing closet space. Pity.

AN: This chapter was supposed to be longer, but I decided to chop it up. So you can thank me for getting this chapter sooner. The next chapter is finding a way to send the FFX crew back to Spira

I might not post the next chapter for a while, I have school work, and I want to be selfish for a while and play some video-games and finish up a one-shot I'm working on.

Gil: In other words, don't expect an update anytime soon, because she's a lazy and selfish bi

Lynx: RR please! Gil shut up! ...Damn, I need Tylenol.


	5. The Wonderful Gizzard of Gauze

Disclaimer: I don't own the troll lady.

After the others woke up 3rd POV

"Okay, today we should probably see if there is a way to send you home, so...Rikku, why do you have a pacifier?" It was on a chain around her neck, so when she spit it out, it dripped drool on her shirt. "Cuzit'smineandit'scoolandIlikeitand--"

"And it keeps the brat from taling." I-chan said dryly while popping it back into the hyper-active teens mouth. "I heard of that shop Cat goes to, the one with all the books and trinkets concerning celtic religion, witches, white magic, and stuff like that. We should probably go there."

"There's also that one...um...where is it? Damn, I had a thought and must of lost it somewhere." Lynx muttered. She got down on her knees and started looking under all the furnituere.

"The thought must of got lonely." Tidus said in a poor imitation of her voice. _'Oh yeah, finally got to use that against her! Booyah, I rock.'_ Then Lynx pulled his foot out from under him and looked at his shoe closely before gasping.

"You stepped on my idea. It went floofy, poof, poofies, zoomaroo, and then you stepped on it! It was so young. WHYYYYYYYY! WHY NOT TIDUS! WE"D ALL BE HAPPY thank you very much."

"Was there a point to this little act of insanity." Seymour asked irritably.

Lynx blinked. And stared. And then she blinked again before breaking out in a grin of an idiot oblivious to all emotions except those of an irritated Maester so she could annoy him even more and maybe everyone else. "I think there was a point somewhere, but I lost it. Shall I look for it? I can, you know. I have eyeballs. See, here they are. Unless they too fly away somewhere, like Oklahoma or Japan. I have always wanted to see Japan. Maybe if we throw talcum powder on the floor, we can find my point easier."

"LYNX" I-chan yelled. "YOU are going to TELL US YOUR IDEA NOW, or FACE the CONSEQUENCES!"

"Meep!" Lynx squeaked. "Well, there's also that shop downtown, the one across the street from the lady who says those weird things."

"Oh, are you talking about the lady who yelled at that guy to stop eyeing all the 'young ladies' or she'd hunt him down, rip his eyes out, and shove them so far down his throat they came out of his--"

"Yup, that's it!" Everyone interuppted Ari before she could say the last word. Lynx giggled. "She's nice, and really funny too."

"M'kay, so we have two possible places. We can split up, each of our groups take a different stor, and can reach each other on our cellphones." She pointed in a random direction, indicating they should line up. "I'll choose whoever I want to be in my group. You either listen to me, or I trap you in a room with no windows and Lynx on a sugar high with her WHOLE collection of anime stuff." They instantly shut up, for they had quickly learned Lynx plus anime equalled ferrety pickles, and that was not good.

"Ari and I are the only ones with cellphones, so we are the group leaders. Auron, Seymour, and as much as it pains me to say this, Tidus and Wakka will come with me." Seymour raised an eyebrow.

"If it pains you to bring them, then why not choose someone else? Are you really such a glutton for punishment?"

"Nonononononono! Ari has all my favorite music downloaded. Can't go without it. Must go with her. Or my brain will explode and then I shall go on a rampage, destroying everything in my path, without a thought, because MY BRAIN EXPLODED!" Lynx was laying on the ground rocking back and forth by the time she finished her scary little speech. Everyone who wasn't previously was now a little scared of her.

"You don't have a brain. But going on a rampage would be different from what you normally do everyday how?"

"Because I am thinking about what I'm doing. That's why I do it. Because if I didn't do it I wouldn't be thinking about it, even if I don't have a brain, and we should probably go now, beacause the readers are getting impatient."

"The who now?" They left, forgetting all about poor Kimahri, who just stood there. Wouldn't you forget about him too, since he's so silent all the time? They're already used to him, so they don't find it strange a giant cat with half a horn and armor is standing in the middle of Ari's living room. They are not normal, unlike about...maybe twenty of you out there. So Kimahri got to play video games instead of something boring, like searching for a portal to another dimension.

Group 1: I-chan, Seymour, Auron, Tidus, Wakka

"This is the place?" It was a tall, dark building, surrounded by crows and had freaky little dummys propped up on sticks in front.

"It may not have a crazy lady in front, but I could recognize this building in a whole group of building painted yellow. Now stop being chicken wusses and come on. It's not going to bite."

"The items in there just might," Seymour muttered, remembering a table that was soon turned into firewood after an...interesting...couple of weeks.

"Hey, anyone in here?" Wakka called. "Nope, looks like no one's here, ya, lets go!"

"Hellooo," a thin voice called, startling them. "Welcome dearies, to my shop of mixed knick-knacks and such. Is there anything specific I can get for you?" The speaker was a little troll looking woman with a long nose and a wart. Her eyes looked a little offset, giving her a slightly crazed appearance. She had some weird gypsy clothing on.

"Do you have any spells of instant death?" Seymour asked.

"Oh, we got that." Seymour now looked like his meaning in life was fufilled. Well actually, that wouldn't make him happy. Okay, he looked like he got to kill Tidus and Wakka by putting them in a log house and blowing it up with lots of gunpowder.

"He means books or anyhting related to other dimensions and how to get to them."

"Oh, we got that too." She pulled out a cheesewheel.

oO "That's a cheesewheel..."

"A cheesewheel from another dimension." Tidus and Wakka crowded around her.

"Coo-el!" Auron pulled out his flask.

"This is going to be a while..."

Group 2: Ari, Lynx, Yuna, Lulu, Rikku

"Bye crazy lady!" Lynx and Rikku sang as they skipped towards the store they were _supposed _to be in already.

Lulu was smiling faintly. "That was very informational. I like her bloodthirsty tactics."

"Lulu, you're really scaring me." Yuna shivered. "I don't think I've ever seen you like this before."

"This place and these people bring out the best in me."

"We can debate Lulu's sanity, or lack thereof, later. Spread out and look for something that might be useful." Rikku immediatly grabbed Lynx's hand and literally dragged her away. Ari smiled as she tripped over something reeeeeeeeeeeally tiny and both girls went flying. "I think it's good you guys are here. Lynx and Rikku seem to have established an almost sisterly relationship. I think they understand each other better, because we have yet to fully comprehend how that insane little fire kittens mind works."

"If she even has a mind."

"I'm sure she does. Just not a brain." The group searched for years, and years, and finally after they had starved so much that there acts of cannibalism, stripping the skin and muscle and ligaments from there arms and backs and toes (which tasted very good, actually), they collapsed into a grotesque pile of death, decay, and stupidity, for there was a chinese food shop across the street. And then Ari stopped daydreaming and started really looking. They searched the place from top to bottom, and even under the floorboards after one incident, but managed to find nothing but a talking rabbit with solid green eyes, which Yuna promptly smashe because she insisted it was and e-vile creature come to suck out there spleens.

"D'ya think the others have had any luck?" Ari's phone started ringing to the tone of Gwen Stefani's 'Hollaback Girl'. Lynx started her own little dance-cheer thing on top of the counter, until Ari answered it. "Hello?" She greeted I-chan as normally as she could with a half-demon latched onto her ankle with her teeth digging in. As long as she didn't try to pull it out, the skin would stay on the bone. "No, we haven't...are you sure?...a WHAT!...you have got to be fucking joking, and I don't like it!" Her eyelid twitched. "Re-he-heally...alrighty than, see you." She stood in disbelief before hitting Lynx with a pipe. "You guys won't believe it until you see it. If this...thingy-ma-bobber...turns out to be real, you guys are going home." They stood in silence, letting this new information sink in. They were content to be silent until Rikku decided she needed to speak.

"Where are we going?"

"We're off to see the gizzard!" Lynx screeched. "The malevolent gizzard of gauze! Because, because, because, because, because! The wicked, wicked, wicked Filtch is dead! Follow the yellow brick toad! Follow it off of the road! Follow the, follow the, follow the, follow the, follow the hopping corpse!" Then Rikku picked up on the lyrics. And they annoyed the hell out of there friends, and scared several pedestrians so much, they called the cracker barrel. But when the Men In White arrived (insert Men In Black music), they found two normal girls, albeit dressed strangely, walking silently behind some more weirdly dressed people. So the people who called were hauled off to be pumped full of drugs and to find out if the rumors you can be someone's asylum bitch is true.

AN: I just love this chapter for some reason. Maybe it has to do with the song at the end. I'm going to sing it in school and see how many strange looks I get!

thanx to all who reviewed!

jamesexclamationpoint : Why thank you very much! I do try to write this to be as funny as possible while still staying with the plot.

I'm Not Telling You : I did not thank you last chapter. Even if I'm not sure if you're reading this, I shall thank you so maybe the spirit of a chicken who died by an axe murderer will give this to you.

Dr. Wilopolis : If only, if only, eh? Too bad that doesn't happen at the end of the game, Kimahri must be really patient to put up with him that long.

InsanityCreator : Bow before the almighty Matron. does elaborate bow and lands on face Spring Break is almost over...I'm bored and I actually _want_ to go to school. Sad, isn't it? Say hi to the moogles for me.

: Bow before the almighty Matron. does elaborate bow and lands on face Spring Break is almost over...I'm bored and I actually to go to school. Sad, isn't it? Say hi to the moogles for me. 

Cookies, blood, and sugary products to whoever guesses where I borrowed the troll lady. I'm curious to see how many people actually watch that show too.

My damn computer keeps getting rid of my extra spaces, dashes, astericks, and such. IT"S SO FREAKING ANNOYING!

And I recommend listening to Hollaback Girl. I think it's good anyway.


	6. Spirit of the dumpster

AN: I realize I haven't posted in a while. Blame it on the WASL, 'tis an evil four hour test that goes on for four days, with two more two-hour tests. See what me and InsanityCreator had to deal with? Oh well, pity time is over glares at reviewers and points to a huge stopwatch which is three seconds past 'pity party' Your cutting into my 'thank the reviewers time'! 

Matron Raenee : I love the new name! hugs Thank you so much, you're so nice! hands skittles and Kupo Nuts

darkestsoul : Yes, it's the universe transporter! With this, you too can enter any universe! Be a blood-thirsty villain, a weirdo mary-sue or gary-sue, even force people into your favorite yaoi pairings! warning! Not suitable for anyone, ever. Side-effects include nausea, vomiting, death, liver problems, heart failure, brain rotting, mind loosing, and so many other things, this is illegal! Do not use if you are smoking, pregnant, or wish to keep your sanity. Consult yor doctor if you bleed from your eyeballs constantly, but it's okay if you bleed a little. Thank you for your praise.

Dr.Wilopolis : How the HELL does that head keep talking! Hm, try feeding them to the penguins. Maybe they'll die. -giggles- I'm glad you enjoy this fic!

Rage Aomori : Yes, it does tend to have those side effects. And if you ask Insanity Raenee, I am a little bloodthirsty. It pops up a little in all my stories. hands you cheesewheel Put it on a sacred alter and bow before it seventeen times a day. You must sacrifice a pink striped bison to it every day. May good fortune come your way. bows

Well, that was rather long-winded. Don't like it? TOO BAD! -laughs insanely until she faints from lack of oxygen-

The group stared at the troll-gypsy-lady. "You are playing mind games with us. You showed us a hubcap, a cheesewheel, a pocupine, pinecones, several species of monkeys, a birds claw, and a furby. While a furby is evil and probably from another dimension, it does not take you to different dimensions, unless it drives you insane. Now you show us a dumpster, and expect us to believe it allows you to travel between dimensions! Are you on crack, or just insane"  
"...Maybe a little of both"  
Lynx sighed. "I called Cat. She should be here soon to see if this dumpster is real or not." The troll lady smiled.  
"Well, I have buisness inside." She walked off, rather stupidly trusting them to not steal her merchandise.  
"What does she have that's so important? This place is practically deserted." Auron noted.

Troll Lady's office-  
"Hello money. I love you." She sighed happily as she rolled around on a kings ransom stored in the basement.

Back with our mental patients------

Several minutes later, about the time when Lynx is so bored she starts chasing her own tail(even if it was a dog trait), a girl of about twelve walked up. "Hello my insane little sponges. Are you taking your medication regularly"  
"Everyone, this is Cat. She will be able to sort out this little fiasco. She's a pagan witch, and she knows how to tell these things"  
"Yup yup, that's right. Now stand back or I shall hit you with this hardcover copy of 'The Mists of Avalon'. Eight hundred and seventy six pages will hurt, I guarentee you." Everyone hurriedly backed up, really not wanting to be near her when she had that book. She sat staring at the dumpster, then she dropped a bag of herbs into the dumpster, and looked pleased as it flashed white. "It's the real deal alright. Now about my payment..." The three psycho girls sighed and handed her Twizzlers. "With these, our team can't lose the game tonight! See ya"  
"Okay, losers in first." I-chan dropped Tidus, Wakka, and Rikku in the dumpster. Yuna jumped in after receiving a glare and I-chan snapped her teeth at her. "Everyone else, make yourselves comfortable," she said with a matronly smile.  
"Wait, where's Kimahri?" He stepped out of the shadows next to Ari, making her jump. "Gah, don't do that! Okay now, how do we start"  
HOLD IT! a voice thundered. OUT OF THE DUMPSTER.  
"Um, who are you?" Yuna asked timidly.  
ME? OH, UM, CRAP. WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS... I AM THE SPIRIT OF THE GARBAGE DUMPSTER. TAKE THE FINAL FANTASY WARRIORS BACK TO THE PLANT SPRITES DOMAIN. I WILL SEND MY ACOLYTE. ...WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? FLEE IN TERROR BEFORE ME!  
"Are you God?" Rikku asked.  
WHAT TH-- I JUST TOLD YOU, I'M THE SPIRIT OF THE DUMPSTER. DO WHAT I SAY AND YOUR QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED! UNLESS THEY'RE STUPID ONES, LIKE THE ONE YOU JUST ASKED.  
"Whatever, crazy person," Lynx said. "We're gonna make cookies, so you can't show up for another forty-five minutes or my dragon-gerbil minions will be forced to attack. Rikku, I give you the privelage of being my assistant. Everyone else must must stay out of the kitchen, or else. Seriously, be afraid, my dragon-gerbils are vicious little monsters."

"Okay Rikku, this is very simple. You're going to help me make cookies, right"  
"Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!" She responded energetically, her braids whipping up and down as she nodded.  
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" I-chan asked. "This is Rikku we're talking about"  
"And my damn kitchen. Which I'll probably end up cleaning"  
"Relax, she can't mess this up. They're no-bake. I can make them, with minimal problems." She seemed rather proud of this fact.  
While they tried to figure out where she could ever mess this up, a badly shaking Tidus fell into the room. "It's a conspiracy I tell you! The Fayth are going to steal my coffee, and while I'm weak they'll get rid of me"  
"This is bad how"  
"The Fayth are using robotic break-dancing penguins and they'll be here any moment"  
Lynx gasped. "The fiends," she hissed. "I must go penguin proof the house. Away!" She rushed off, most likely going to accidently destroy something rather than help anything.  
During this time, Tidus managed to vibrate across the floor, run into the table, then land on I-chan's shoes. "The hell!" she cried, zapping him with her pom-pom. "That acolytes going to be here in less than an hour, and tou get a caffeine high"  
He was saved from answering, not like he could in his current state, by Wakka stumbling in the room. Who just happened to have white powder on his nose. "Tellytubbies are dancing outside and it's raining gold calculators." He looked at Lynx. "If you smack a midget with a sausage, Yevon will come"  
"You even think about it, and I'll rip your voicebox out, then laugh as you bleed and die slowly and painfully." Wakka left quickly, smacking into walls. "I seriously think something is wrong with hi--" she was interrupted when Lulu ran in, stumbling slightly.  
"I heard 'laugh', 'die', and 'slowly and painfully'. Why aren't I the one causing it?" She spotted Tidus' charred form. "Thunder! AHAHAHAHA!" Auron quietly edged into the kitchen.  
"Auron," I-chan said warningly. "Is she drunk?" He shifted uncomfortably under her glare.  
"Mayyybeeee"  
"'Maybe' meaning how many bottles"  
"...I lost count"  
"..." I-chan closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. "You'd better follow her and keep her from getting in trouble, or may Hyne and Soa help you. I. Will. Kill. You"  
Auron smiled innocently, and ran off after Lulu like there was a demon on his heels. But it wasn't, it was only Matron. Who is wayyyyy scarier than a demon. From outside they could hear explosions and Lulu yelling "Auron shared.  
Ari shook her head. "They do remember the acolyte will be here soon, don't they?" I-chan smiled.  
"Who cares? Lets go blackmail and extort Yuna and stare at Seymour." Lynx nodded in agreement.  
"Yes, yes, go do that and get out of here. I'm posting Celticera and Olina as guards." Two medium sized gerbils with dragon wings, fangs, and claws flew in and snuggled Lynx. Tidus was suddenly up and holding Olina by the scruff of her neck.  
"This squirt's what we're supposed to be afraid of? I've fought fiends with bigger fangs than this." Olina stared at him wide-eyed before biting him on the nose. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh"  
Lynx pulled her off, not as gently as she could of. "You might want to get something for that. Dragon-gerbil spit can be deadly. Or you could lose your nose." She didn't seem very concerned. Ari sighed.  
"Come on, I probably have something for that. It should at least let you keep your nose." Rikku giggled from imagining him without a nose. Lynx's minions growled, and everybody else cleared out of there faster than a rabbit on a cloudy Tuesday, juggling tapioca, singing the Canadian anthem in Russian. Which, when you think about it, isn't that fast.  
"Lets get ready to horribly botch this up!" She had no idea how right she was, because really, she's not psychic. Or Santa Claus. The fat guy knows everything, like a stalker. And Lynx, while she really like some anime characters is not a psychic fat stalker in a red suit.


	7. WHAAAAAAA!

Woo! Chapter 7, and I'm almost done... But never to fear! I have been coming up with random insane things to continue this in other stories. Isn't that wonderful? -notices reviewers freaked out looks- I hate you all.  
Gil: Really, I had no idea.  
Kyo: -snorts- You know they hate your story.  
Your back! And of course, I must...punish...you later. -fingers sword- But! First I need to thank my loyal readers.

MatronRaenee : hugz I'm glad you liked it. I KNOW you're scarier than me. You sorta rank up their with Mai-Mai-chan(I stole the nickname from you), ya know?

ObsessedWithTape : I SO HAPPY! I'm glad you think it's funny. Most of the time I think people are just saying they like it...it's giving me headaches. I think I need the Force right now to go terrorize the neighborhood.

Dr. Wilopolis : Alright! I can't wait to see them get dumped into THE VAT OF NO RETURN! I'll bring the snacks! -goes out to buy 15 pounds of junk food-

GemEncrustedEarth : Yes. Me and my friends act like this a lot. It's fun to watch them. You just need to do something random and it starts a chain reaction -pokes-

anomos : I'm glad you like it(sorta). I realize some parts aren't that good, but I love it anyway. And any romance would be little hints. There's actually a fic I'm going to write, a sequel to this, that's going to have a lot of romance. But otherwise, I cannot write romance. And if that bugs you so much, you really don't have to read this, do you?

I humbly ask you all to help me in any way you see possible. Suggestions for future fics, for different chapters, suggest a pairing. So far it's just hints of LuluAuron, YunaSeymour, and SeymourI-chan.

On with the fic!

-------------Several fires and swear words later-  
Lynx stared. Maybe if she looked away, then looked back, it would walk away...nope. Still there. "Rikku, I really have to ask. How do you mess up no-bake cookies? I'm quite curious, for this matter has never come up before. My oldest dragon-gerbil, who has arthrites and is missing two and a half fingers, has never messed this up once"  
"...I think it looks pretty." It was a pulsating purple and green.  
"Just tell me. Please. What did you do after I left for five minutes"  
"Uhm, I...improvised." Lynx raised an eyebrow. "Well, we didn't have milk or cream, so I added cheese. They're both dairy products, right"  
Lynx turned slightly green, but nodded.  
"Well, then I accidently knocked a bottle of clover into the chocolate. So to sweeten it, I put in strawberried and sugar. That seemed to be too sweet, so I added cinnamon, lemon, and something green I found in the back of the fridge"  
Lynx paused before she could yell at Rikku for messing something so simple up. And thought. And thought so hard she temporarily went brain dead (what brain?) and stared at the floor before something in her relatively empty head re-started her on the correct train of thought. "We need to go serve this before they get impatient." The doorbell rang. "Perfect."

Seymour was sitting in his chair, for he had claimed it, thinking random sadistic thoughts occasionally interrupted by the image of a bi-colored eye girl and a half-moogle. 'Decisions, decisions. Blow up an important building; destroy all the houses on the block. Kill the people who are helping us; lock them up in an asylum while I take over the world. Where to start...' He glared at nothing when the doorbell rang. He was about to throw the door open and murder whoever it was, when he remembered a conversation he had with Ari.  
He picked up a huge butcher knife and opened the door. "Yes"  
"Hello. You're the one that is friends with my insane little friends, are you not"  
"Friends is not the word"  
"Of course it is. Of course it is." Lynx walked up with wide eyes and stared at Cat. Then she poked her.  
"Your the acolyte?" Cat smacked her with a book.  
"No, I'm really Santa Claus, and I'm here to congratulate you on making the naughty list for twelve, almost thirteen, years in a row"  
"Isn't the naughty list too pure for me"  
"Lynx, you absolute moron"  
"Isn't she, though?" Seymour agreed "I am here on official accolyte buisness. So let us go, far into the reaches of the unknown, where we might find steel eating termites and the Jersey Devil! So says the Spirit of the Mystical Garbage Dumpster. See, it's on this card." She pulled out a tiny little card, and held a magnifying glass in front of it.  
"'Want to go to an exotic place? Somewhere you've never been before? Well, too bad, suckahs! Wait, wait, keep reading! It was a bad joke! I can send you into any dimension you want. Well, actually, only relatively close. You might accidently land in hell or between dimensions...Seriously. I'm not joking.'" Seymour raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that bad for buisness"  
"It was made special for this occasion. Feel honored because that ass had me up all night designing 'the perfect card'. Just gather everyone up somewhere and I'll do what I'm paid to do. Well, actually, I'm not even getting paid!" She snorted. "How messed up is that!" Lynx nodded sympathetically before ignoring her ranting. She ran upstairs and past everyone's rooms. "To the living room! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK BY PENGUINS! Ready the cannons! Prepare the acid traps! Get Rikku's cooking! MOVE YOUR LAZY ASSES!" Lulu stared out her door as Lynx ran into the door next to the gameroom. "Who put this here?" She gasped. "THE PENGUINS HAVE INFILTRATED OUR BASE! Kimahri, get your furry butt out of there, drag whoever's with you downstairs, and prepare FOR WAR!" She left shrieking about penguins and dragon-gerbils. Tidus stared down the hall.  
"What's with her?" Lulu shook her head.  
"I only live here. I try not to understand their insanity and random comments"  
"But you do anyway." Auron snorted. "And it's damn scary being able to understand them"  
"I'll drink to that." Tidus paled, and Wakka and Ari ran out of the gameroom with chains in their hands. "Fine, I won't. Just have to ruin my fun..."

Downstairs, after Lynx ran through all the rooms screaming, she raced into the living room, took a flying leap under the couch, and scrambled halfway under it. Seymour raised an eyebrow, I-chan sighed, and Cat shook her head, before they continued debating the correct way to take over countries. "Shhhh, the penguins are toasting"  
"What is she doing now?" Auron asked as their group walked in. He absently kicked her leg as he passed, making her yelp, and sat on the couch. She paid him back, by accident, when she stood up while still halfway under the couch, effectively flipping it over.  
"Mozarella stuffing!" she said triumphantly, holding up a turkey. Why it was under there, let's pray we never find out. "Hey, laying under the couch like that looks really uncomfortable." Auron grumbled obscenities under his breath and flipped her off. She ignored him and set the plate of cookies she and Rikku made earlier on the table softly, like it was the most precious and delicate thing in the world. She snapped her fingers, and Rikku automatically recited the lines Lynx made her memorize.  
"I hereby call this session into order. The Lady Yuna's guardians and the aforementioned summoner herself, including Maester Seymour, against the Spirit of the Dumpster's acolyte. Acting as judge, this wonderful plate of cookies. Sit down, bitches!" Lynx nodded in approval.  
"Nice touch at the end"  
"You think so? I like it myself." Everyone stared at the two girls. Rikku...just used big words! And pronounced them perfectly, too. The mind reels.  
"Uh, yeah, whatever." Cat cleared her throat. "The point is your little pets over there can't go back to Spira. Spira is clear across the other side of the dimensional field. The dimensions that are closest to each other are the ones that resemble each other, and since Spira is almost the complete opposite of Earth 6, our present location, it's far away. Too far for the dumpster's reach. And even if that was not the case, this was meant to happen. The Spirit checked the timeline. I shall leave now before I am killed. See you when school starts." She ran off, leaving a trail of dust and a stupified group of people.

"Oh man," Cat muttered as she continued running down the street. "Why did I let them talk me into doing this." She was suddenly so glad she was on the track team. If all else falls into chaos, she could out-run them. Unless, of course, they were either really mad or tapped into their demonic powers. Then she would be in trouble. As she started slowing down on the fourth block, a loud "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT!" pierced the air, startling birds from their trees. "A nice break-neck sprint would be relaxing. How about all the way to New Mexico?"

"Woohoo, we're staying!" Rikku cheered, doing a little victory dance.  
"We can be like one big family!" Ari tried tackling Wakka, but landed on Tidus instead. "You're not Wakka"  
"No shit, Sherlock"  
Lynx got a creepy grin on her face. Ari's statement gave her a really great idea! "We're all one big messed-up, deranged, twisted family! I-chan's official name is Matron, due to her tendency to mother everyone!" She paused, remembering Matron's treatment of Tidus and Wakka. "Well, almost everyone"  
"What maked you think we'll agree to call her that?" Lynx's eyes turned red, and she pulled Auron down to her tiny little eye level. He was almost bent to a ninety degree angle.  
"You will call her Matron," she held out one hand and summoned fire into her palm, "or we will discover how flammable alcohol is." She let go and jumped on Rikku's back, remembering to dismiss the flames in her hand first. "You can be a big sister! So can Ari! Tidus and Wakka are the retarded older brothers who aren't getting any and have no clue how to talk to girls!" Wakka blinked.  
"I'm not so sure I like this, ya?" Ari smirked.  
"Just let your younger sister disperse your doubts." Wakka paled considerably and whimpered. Tis a sad, sad day when a thirteen year old girl brings the captain of the Besaid Aurochs, no matter how much they sucked, and guardian to a summoner down to such a level.  
"Quiet, I'm still assigning roles!" Lynx turned to Auron and Lulu. "You are more or less the minors, or our, legal guardians. You will pay the taxes and bills for the house you will eventually buy with the money you will eventually earn from the job I will eventually force you to get. Kimahri, you are the uncle that stays around the house all day playing video games, unless you are cleaning when a female asks you to"  
"Lynx," Matron said. "You should not assign roles. Ever"  
"Why not? I'm great at it!" Kimahri snorted.  
"Trust me, Lynxie, you just shouldn't." Lynx pouted.  
"Fine. Ruin my fun. But don't think you can weasel out of your role"  
"Whatever you say, dear. We need to think about more permanent living arrangements for our guests." She walked away, on her noble search of a newspaper, where she would face one of her toughest tasks ever: finding a house and dealing with the realtor. Auron, Lulu, Yuna, and Kimahri followed to make sure she wouldn't pick out some huge haunted manor fifty miles out of town. Ari, Tidus, and Wakka left to play video games. Seymour knew he should leave, or at least not bring this subject up, but it kept nagging at him.  
"You're not going to give me a role, are you?" She smiled at him.  
"No." She laughed when she saw his expression. "Family members don't date each other. They can, but it's just wrong. You are a close family friend. You're almost like family. The family will give you full permission to date one of our ranks." She skipped off.  
"Who is she talking about?" He sat down and absently ate a cookie. He gagged and froze, dropping the poisonous thing in his hand. He ran away to scrub his tongue with a toilet brush.  
Lynx skipped back into the room. "Hey, someone at a cookie!" She looked around. "I wanted to see their reaction!" She ran off to find a video camera. This was gonna be good. 


	8. Buying a house

Alright, last chapter, people! This is only a 'tie the loose ends together' chapter. I feel like crying, but then I remember I have many plans for our favorite characters. Oh so many plans... Oh yeah! The twenty-ninth is my birthday! CELEBRATE, DAMMIT! CELEBRATE LIKE THE PENGUINS WERE TAKING OVER TOMORROW!

Matron : -shudders- Mary-Sue's are E-VILE creatures from the depths of hell sent to the surface to torture us all. I'm not going to say much about pairings, but right now it's just hints of romance, and Seymour not really paying attention to emotions. -- The astericks never work. Tis an annoyance. -blinks- WHY is your brother acting like FFX-2 characters?

Dr. Wilopolis: YEEEEESSSSSSSSS! They have died! They are no longer among the living! They are ex-humans! The only way they could be recognized now is if we re-assembled their DNA structure, but why would we want to do that? -hugs Mr. Bitey and gets bit- I wuv hiiimmm! He could work in later stories! I'm planning a story to use him in already!

Yuna stared up at the house. It was sort of small and run down, but they could afford it. She shook her head and walked to where Matron was looking over the forms. "What do they say"  
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing"  
"If they say nothing, why are you reading them"  
"You need a place to live, so I will suffer through this. It's just a crapload of nothing. 'The aforementioned party shall be responsible for the living quarters on the rented property and shall be responsible if any...', the rest looks like something Lynx would write." Yuna looked over her shoulder.  
"'...and shall be responsible if any flying potato monkeys in the forest across the way from the sewage facilites attack and damage the property and all buildings located on the premisis.' Is she smart enough to use those big words"  
"Yup. For all we know, she could of snuck into the agency and changed all their legal documents. Wait a minute, why am I talking to you?" Yuna blinked.  
"I don't know. I hate you"  
"I hate you too. Go away, drag everyone you can with you, we're not buying this house"  
"Why not"  
"Because Lulu and Auron have doused the house with lighter fluid and Lynx is playing with fire near them. And she's getting ready to set the house on fire for them. And they have matches." She said this while absently chewing a lock of hair. Then she froze, and ran the other way. "HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT"  
Yuna kept running until she felt a slight breeze. Turning around, she saw Matron, Lynx, Lulu, and Auron staring happily at the flames. "Ooh," Lynx breathed. "I wanna touch 'em..." Matron grabbed her in a hug.  
"Nuh uh. Come on kid, we need to find another house"  
They walked happily away, not even paying attention to Ari's rants of killing plants with their pyromaniacy.

4 days later

"DAMMIT! STOP BLOWING UP THE HOUSES!"

the next day (5 days later)

"Yayness! We haz found a fireproof house! Let's celebrate like the penguins are taking over tomorrow." Lynx tossed tic tacs into the air, where some stupid, stupid birds ate them, and while they marvelled over their minty fresh breath, they went through an airplane engine. We shall miss you, Rooza, Marianna, and Lapiza.  
"Yup. I'm happy," Ari said, dragging Auron and Lulu behind her, chained and gagged. "It was only a matter of time before they targeted my house"  
Tidus scratched his head. "Why would they do that? They live there,... were living... previously... before...recently"  
"You better stop with the coming up with the synonyms before I rip your liver out from your navel," Matron said, smiling sweetly. Tidus nervously edged away.  
"Quiet mortals!" Lynx hissed. "We carest not for your petty human squabbles. No no, we does not! This is a nice house, and weez don'ts wantses the blonde one here. His ego won't fit through the door"  
"Your using improper english, you do realize," Yuna pointed out shyly. Lynx unnerved her with her moodswings.  
"I am? How horrible! I must go learn proper English! AWAY LUMINA!" She cackled madly as a giant dragon-gerbil swooped down from the sky. She continued cackling as they rose in the sky.  
"Um, shouldn't we...?" Yuna asked hesitatingly.  
"Nah, she'll be fine. Wouldn't be surprised if she attacked a couple of airpplanes"  
Seymour ignored them all and studied the front of the house. It was a nice looking three-story house, with a couple balconies. It did take up a lot of space, and had a small forest behind the house. Then there was that freaky looking bog that kept bubbling... "How can you afford all this? It must of been very expensive"  
Matron looked out into the distance. "We had to... do something." Ari grinned devilishly. "We used our bodies, me, Matron, and Lynx." Auron and Lulu choked through their gags while Rikku, Tidus, Wakka, and Seymour stood open-mouthed.  
"Lynx? But she seems so young and innocent"  
"Her? Innocent? Only sometimes. She does have a rather twisted sense of humor and can be a little mean sometimes"  
"But selling her body!" Ari looked startled.  
"You thought we sold out bodies? Seymour, I'm shocked. Rikku, you should know her well enough to know she wouldn't do that. Tidus and Wakka..., well, you're dirty-minded individuals." She sighed theatrically. "You think we're sluts. How nice is that? We fed you, clothed you, carried you for nine months, gave birth to y"  
"Ari!" Matron snapped her fingers in front of her face. "Come back from fantasy land. I'm sure the voices are very happy you visited"  
"They are. They give their best regards"  
"--but your little spacing outs are scary. Come, we must unpack and lock our two delinquets up. In seperate rooms."

A couple hours later, Lynx fell out of the sky and on to the porch where Rikku and Wakka were 'playing cards'(Hint: they were playing cards, but they were starting to 'play cards' like Seymour and Yuna). They looked up startled as she danced around the porch waving around a paper. "Look look lookie what I got!" She continued bouncing around.  
"If ya hold still, we can see it, ya"  
"Nuuuuuuuu, my precioussssssss... Wait, the whole point was to see this. Never mind me, I'm just a loony kitty girl who likes to set things on fire and is obssesed with anime. I'm perfectly unnoticeable!" She held the paper two inches from their faces. "SEE"  
"No, not really," Rikku said, going cross eyed while trying to see.  
"How about now?" She hollered from the other side of the yard. Which happens to be in the forest. Does it even have a boundary line?  
"We can't even see you"  
"But you don't need to see me, you need to see the paper"  
"But you're holding the paper"  
"How about now"  
"Your standing upside-down"  
"Now"  
"Your on the roof"  
"Meow"  
"What"  
"Now"  
"You just said 'meow"  
"That's irrelevant to the situation. Meow can you see it"  
"No, you're hanging by your toes and not even facing us, and I could've swore you said 'meow' again"  
"Girl, do I look like a cat to you? Meow, just get to reading"  
"You don't look like a cat currently, but you are one"  
"Cat yokai"  
"Whatever. Okay, it says something about congratulating you on passing the toughest 6 year college course on the English language"  
"Nope," Wakka said, pointing to another spot. "Right here, it says 'Richard Walker'. This isn't hers"  
"Of course not, fool. I mugged him while he was walking with some lady. She screamed a lot, and didn't even try to help him. That's sad. But I have a certificate saying something about the perfected English language, and funding research for something or whatever. Not important." She lit it on fire. "What is important is I turn right-side up before my head explodes from having too much blood in it. It would be a terrible mess." She landed on Wakka and Rikku's lap. "Let's play cards."

"Yuna"  
"Matron," Yuna said shortly, nodding slightly.  
"I'm sure you've been able to piece together at least some idea of why you're here"  
"Seymour"  
"Of course"  
"Cat fight"  
"Nah. Affection competition"  
"Hell yeah." Matron looked at her shocked. "You cursed"  
"Of course," she said with a smirk. "I'm not all sugar and honey. We'll do whatever we need to to get Seymour's affection, short of sleeping with him"  
"Really? You wouldn't? Afraid he'll know you're not a virgin? I'd be surprised if you were after your love affair with Tidus." Yuna blushed.  
"I don't like him that way anymore"  
"Then I don't recommend reading fanfiction. You're a slut, a virgin, a sweet angel, an evil bitchy devil, and so many more personalities can be found"  
"I'll keep that in mind"  
"Do you mind me asking the reason you're fighting for his love"  
"Because he's cute." Matron looked at her seriously.  
"You're not going to hurt him, will you? When I did first learn of him, he was just a video game character, even if I did obsses about him. But now he's real, and I don't like to see anyone get hurt"  
"Of course not. May the best lady win"  
"Honey, I'm not a lady. I'm a half-moogle bitch out to claim love."

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, Super Troopers, tic tacs, or Matron. I do, however, own dragon-gerbils.

And to Matron Raenee, I'm sorry if I portrayed your character badly. I'm really bad at other people's personalities. 


End file.
